


Post-Radiant Dawn: The Everybody Gets Laid Version

by chellerrific



Category: Fire Emblem: Soen no Kiseki/Akatsuki no Megami | Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn
Genre: Alternate Ending, Crack, Ensemble Cast, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Multiple Pairings, Other, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-24
Updated: 2008-04-24
Packaged: 2017-10-28 22:18:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The very true story of what really happened in Tellius after the credits rolled.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Post-Radiant Dawn: The Everybody Gets Laid Version

**Author's Note:**

> I was dissatisfied with the ending to this game, so I decided to write my own. This is what happened.

_AT THE HOUSE OF THE THREE BROTHERS_   


There was a loud crash from somewhere in the kitchen. Rolf and Oscar turned around to look just as Boyd and Mist came stumbling out of it, lips locked firmly together, hands roving all over each other. They seemed to be trying to locate the stairs using every available means save their own eyes.

“Cut out the PDA!” Oscar called as he and Rolf quickly looked away in disgust.

“You’re one to talk,” said Rolf, pointing at the fact that Oscar had been holding hands with Kieran for the last solid hour.

“Oh, try not to be so bitter that you aren’t getting any,” Kieran suggested politely.

Rolf grimaced at the mental image.

“And don’t forget, your other brother is probably getting tail right about…”

There was another loud crash, this time from upstairs.

“…now.”

“Hey, even I thought that was a little gross,” Oscar said.

“Even Uncle Shinon’s no fun anymore,” Rolf grumbled, “since he spends all his time trying to put the moves on Gatrie…”

“Please don’t call him ‘uncle’ while you’re pining for him,” said Oscar. “It’s creepy.”

“I’m going for a walk,” Rolf huffed.

“Try to get laid while you’re out. Stop by Largo and Calill’s inn and see if you can’t find Makalov—I know he’s got a whole list of top shelf hookers, male and female!” Kieran called after him.

* * *

 _SOMEWHERE IN CRIMEA’S PALACE_   


“And that concludes this meeting,” said Elincia, “unless someone else has something they wish to say?”

The nobles and important military personnel did not seem to, so once this became clear, they got up and filed out of the room.

“Oh, wait a moment, Lucia,” Elincia said, catching her foster sister before she could leave. “So, I noticed you and Count Bastian seemed to have grown closer recently.”

Lucia blushed. “What? No! I don’t know what would make you think that…!”

“I don’t know. Maybe the part where his hand was on your ass through that whole meeting? And still is, right now?”

Lucia glanced up at Bastian, who had hung back with her, then turned back to Elincia. “No idea what you’re talking about. Excuse me, I have to… go now.” And the two of them fled quickly, off somewhere to do it like rabbits.

Elincia sighed. Even queens have needs, but she didn’t think Geoffrey would have much of an interest just now, after the last time when she accidentally called him “Ike.”

* * *

 _AT LARGO AND CALILL’S INN_   


“And that, little lady, is how babies are made,” Makalov finished with gusto.

Amy stared at him, her abnormally large eyes twice their normal size, like big purple dinner plates.

“Yep!” He leaned back in his chair with a large measure of satisfaction, taking another long drink of beer. “It’s all true, every word of it. So don’t listen to those fairy tales your parents have probably told you by now.”

Astrid appeared then, her abdomen like an over-inflated beach ball; she was due in just a few weeks. “I think you’ve had enough,” she said to Makalov, taking the bottle away. “It’s not even noon yet! Oh, hello, Amy.”

Amy took one look at Astrid, then fled quickly.

Astrid looked at Makalov, nonplussed. “What’s the matter with her?”

“I dunno. I was just telling her where babies come from.” He blinked, then leaned a little closer and asked in a low voice, “It’s the cabbage patch, right?”

* * *

 _OUTSIDE THE GREIL MERCENARIES’ BASE_   


Mia and Rhys sat under a tree, a picnic blanket spread out under them, little orphan children frolicking around them happily.

“Isn’t it lovely out today?” Rhys said with a happy sigh. “I might even say this is the best day ever!”

“You know… I’ve been thinking about something,” said Mia, turning to face him. “I know I’m not here much, but when I am, I always enjoy the time I spend with you.”

“Oh… oh really?” said Rhys, trying not to blush or be too obvious as he leaned a little closer.

“Yep. In fact, I have more fun with you than doing just about anything else,” she went on. “And I know this is going to sound like a big step, but trust me… I’ve given it a lot of thought.”

Rhys eagerly leaned a little closer. “Yes? Yes? Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll love it.”

“I hope so!” She grinned. “I’ve decided that you really are my true rival! I know you don’t know how to use a sword, so that’s why I’m going to teach you! So just wait right here and I’ll go get the practice swords!” Before he could object, she had jumped up and sprinted away.

All the color drained out of Rhys’ face. “Not only am I about to be killed,” he muttered to himself unhappily, “I’m not even going to get laid first. This is the worst day ever!”

* * *

 _SOMEWHERE IN THE CRIMEAN COUNTRYSIDE_   


Nephenee stood watching Brom play with his large gaggle of children. She’d come back to the country from the capital to visit her own family and decided to say hello to her old friend while she was in the area. Seeing him like this with his family made her feel awfully lonely, though.

“Hey, cutie. What’s the long face for?”

Nephenee started, turning to the person who’d spoken. “Oh, Heather! It’s just you. You sure startled me!”

“Oh, now. I can’t live with myself knowing I gave such a pretty girl a fright. Let me make it up to you. Shall I buy you lunch?”

“N—no, no thank you. I’m perfectly fine.” She fought to keep the country accent out of her voice, like she did whenever speaking with one of these city folks.

“Come on. Pretty please? You can tell me about your troubles!” Heather looked over at Brom and his family. “Don’t tell me you’re pining for him?”

“Heck no!” Nephenee blurted out vehemently. “I mean, um. Me and Brom… we’s just friends, that’s all.”

“Oh? So you’re available?”

“Well… there was someone… but then she had to go and get married. To a man!” Nephenee blurted it all out before she could stop herself. Suddenly she felt like crying.

“Oh, honey! That is just so wrong.” Heather embraced Nephenee in what she hoped was a comforting manner and tried very hard not to take this opportunity to cop a feel. “Come on. Let me buy you lunch and we can bitch about them to our hearts’ content!”

Nephenee sniffed. “All right. Let’s do that. Gosh, Heather, you sure are nice. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”

Heather grinned as she led Nephenee off. “Oh, I can think of a few ways…”

* * *

 _NEVASSA, CAPITAL OF DAEIN_   


Meanwhile, back in heteronormativity land, Sothe married Micaiah, Aran married Laura, and Leonardo married Edward.

Wait.

* * *

 _MAINAL CATHEDRAL_   


“So, Empress Sanaki,” said Tormod, plopping down in the seat next to her. By which I mean next to her, in the same seat in which she was already sitting. “What do you say you and I get hitched?”

Sanaki suppressed the initial violent impulse she had to shove him onto the floor. “What? Why?”

“Why not?” He grinned. “You’ll need an heir eventually!”

“Why you and me, though?”

“Why not!” This seemed to be his best argument. “I mean, come on. We’ve had scenes together. You even asked me to find out information for you! Don’t you remember? Isn’t that enough?”

“Uh…”

“Besides, you’re shorter than I am,” he added.

“I’m shorter than a lot of people,” she pointed out.

“Yes, but I’m not taller than a lot of people,” he explained. “And girls don’t want to date guys who are shorter than them.” He stood up dejectedly.

“Why is that?”

“They think we all have short man complexes…”

“Oh.” She paused. “And you don’t?”

He leapt up onto a nearby couch. “Of course I don’t! Listen, you don’t know the history of short man complexes. I do!”

“Right then,” said Sanaki, leaving the room. “Guess that answers that.”

* * *

 _SOMEWHERE IN GALLIA_   


Lyre pounced on Ranulf the moment she saw him. “Hello, Ranulf!” she chirped cheerfully, holding out a flower. “I picked this for you. It’s pretty, just like you!”

“Oh… thanks,” said Ranulf somewhat dubiously, taking it. He hadn’t gotten three more steps before Kyza appeared out of nowhere.

“Hello, Ranulf!” he said. “I picked this flower for you. It’s pretty, just—”

“Right, right. Thanks.”

Kyza and Lyre exchanged murderous glances, then hurried after Ranulf before he could get away.

“I was thinking we should go out to lunch today,” said Lyre.

“And I was thinking we should go out to dinner,” said Kyza. “A much more romantic meal than lunch. I’ll pay.”

“I thought about asking you to dinner, but it’s still so many hours away,” Lyre said quickly. “That’s why I thought lunch would be better, because it’s closer, and I just couldn’t wait that long!”

“I subscribe to the philosophy that good things come to those who wait,” countered Kyza. “Unlike certain other people around here, I have patience.”

“I have patience!” Lyre shot back. “Just not when it comes to important things. Like Ranulf.”

“Oh, Lethe!” Ranulf said suddenly, coming to a stop so quickly Lyre and Kyza nearly ran into his back. “Want to go get lunch?”

Lethe looked at him, clearly annoyed. “How many times do I have to tell you, Ranulf. I’m a lesbian!” Without another word, she left.

Ranulf sighed dejectedly, then turned to the others, whom he was just noticing were still there. “Oh. You guys.” He thought for a second. “Wanna go have group sex?”

That was good enough for both of them. “Yes!” they said, and they did.

* * *

 _SERENES FOREST_   


“Reyson asked me not to kill you,” Tibarn said, clearly somewhat saddened by this.

“I’m not going to suggest otherwise,” said Naesala.

“I guess since I can’t kill you… or beat you up a lot…” Here he paused to look hopefully at Reyson, who shook his head, “…I should… try to forgive you, and we can work past our problems.”

“Yes… I suppose it would be best for all parties involved if we tried to initiate peace between our nations. The beast tribes live in harmony with one another, and if those catnip junkies can do it, so can we.”

“It’s not going to be easy, though,” Tibarn went on. “We, as their leaders, must take the first steps towards real fellowship.”

“And how do we go about doing this?”

“There’s only one way I can think of,” said Tibarn, “and it’s not going to be pretty.”

“Ah yes,” said Naesala, nodding knowingly. “Lots and lots of sex.”

“Until neither one of us can move for a week,” Tibarn agreed.

And that’s exactly what they did.

* * *

 _ELSEWHERE IN SERENES FOREST_   


“So,” said Rafiel awkwardly. “Saving the heron race, huh.”

Leanne just looked at him.

* * *

 _STILL ELSEWHERE IN SERENES FOREST_   


“Ulki,” said Janaff, pulling away from him. “What if someone finds us here, like this? What if Tibarn finds us like this? What would he think?”

“Not a problem,” said Ulki. “Tibarn is, um… busy.”

Janaff, who could see well but not through walls, had only to look at his partner’s suddenly pale face to know exactly what he meant. “Peace between Phoenicis and Kilvas will be nice.” And then they went back to what they were doing before.

* * *

 _NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR_   


“Hello, my name is Zihark, and I’m a furry.”

“Hello, Zihark.”

“I first noticed my predilection for this lifestyle some years ago, when I met my first, and only, love. She was a cat.”

People started looking at him funny.

“Cat laguz,” he amended quickly. “Cat laguz. She completed me. She was the sun. She was meant for me, and I was meant for her. She… was a lot of other clichés. But then… in one horrible instant, it was all snatched away from me, when she…” Here he seemed to be having some trouble going on, but he took a deep breath and continued. “She… choked on a hair ball. I’m sorry… I can’t say anymore just now.” He sat back down and sobbed.

He had managed to get a hold of himself by the time the meeting ended. As he stepped out onto the street, a small figure appeared out of nowhere, surprising him. “Oh, Ilyana,” he said, when he realized who it was.

“I’m hungry,” she announced.

“Didn’t I tell you to go see a doctor about that tapeworm?”

“Yes, but I couldn’t. If I wasn’t hungry all the time, I would lose the one dimension to my personality that I have,” she pointed out.

“True. Anyway, I can’t feed you tonight. I have a date with Stefan.”

“Huh? You’re not gay.”

“No, not at all,” he admitted. “But I’m trying to wean myself off of laguz, and he was the only available Branded I could find.”

* * *

 _SOMEWHERE IN DAIEN_   


“Haar! Wake up! We have way too many deliveries to make. There’s no time for you to sleep!” Jill accented this pronouncement by slamming a heavy box down on the counter.

Haar sat up with a start. “Blasphemy! There’s always time for me to sleep!”

“Come on. I can’t make all these deliveries myself.”

“True, especially if you get distracted part-way though and join an army again,” Haar said dryly.

“Because you totally didn’t do the exact same thing. Oh wait!”

“Tch. I miss the days when you respected me as your superior.”

“Then you shouldn’t have married me!”

“That exact thought occurs to me every day.” But he was grinning as he said this. “You know, people like to point out that I was already old enough to serve in the army before you were even born.”

“Well, those people obviously aren’t paying attention. You can still be in diapers and enlist on this continent, practically.”

Haar nodded, sighing. “When will people learn that age is just a number anyway. Besides, May-December romances are hot. And I can’t help it if I’m a stud.”

“Yeah, you’re a regular Mrs. Robinson.”

“I was thinking Demi Moore, but Mrs. Robinson was hot too.” He jumped to his feet. “So. What’s with all these boxes?”

“You know how it is around the holidays,” Jill explained. “We always get slammed. What I can’t understand,” she went on, checking the contents of the closest box, “is why all these boxes are filled with condoms.”

* * *

 _WHO KNOWS WHERE?_   


“You know,” Soren finally got the courage to say one night, after he and Ike had been traveling for some time, Tellius and the memories of war far behind them, “for the longest time, I thought you were straight.”

“A lot of people make that mistake,” Ike said with a nod. “I don’t know why. I mean, nobody can be that pretty and still be straight.”

“There was that whole thing with Elincia…”

Ike sighed, a little exasperated. “Of course. I forgot two people of the opposite sex can’t have a close relationship without wanting to bone each other.”

“I thought you did bone.”

“Just the once, but that’s entirely beside the point!”

And so, Soren and Ike continued to travel the world, until one day they found themselves in a wondrous place called Canada, where their love was accepted. They settled down, but never had any children, because Soren hated children and also that would be biologically impossible.

 _THE END._


End file.
